| Who said Postal doesn't have a storyline?
This article may contain significant plot details, please read at your own risk.
Police Academy Edit
Taze the Hobos Edit
Having netted a job on the Force, Lt. Deutschbagge trains the Postal Dude on how to arrest criminals on "volunteers".
Where's the Chief Edit
After this short tutorial, the Station gets attacked by the Hobo's union. Lt. Deutschbagge then orders the Dude to go save the Chief who is hiding in the basement.
Patrol Mission 1 Edit
I am the LAW Edit
The Postal Dude is given a uniform and goes out on his first patrol of Catharsis. Making several arrests in this somewhat freeroam mission.
Not on my watch Edit
And then all hell breaks loose as Terrorists attack, murdering many people. Not happy about this, it's up to Postal Dude to "Check their Green Cards with Extreme Prejudice".
Save Uwe Boll's Career Edit
Super Boll Edit
The Postal Dude get's a call to investigate threats on the world's greatest filmmaker, Uwe Boll. Seems the Nerds aren't too happy at Mr. Boll and it's up to the Postal Dude to save him....or not.
Arcade Shootout Edit
Postal Babes and Pyramid schemes Edit
After protecting/killing Uwe Boll, the Postal Dude gets a call about more Nerds who have taken over Thompson's Funland Arcade. Treating this as little more than a joke, things escalate when the Hockey Moms (who actually know how to shoot) join their kids in occupying the joint. Then Jen Walcott and some Postal Babes show up, determined to take the building back. Feeling a strong feeling in his pants, the Postal Dude follows them, accompanied by the owner of the arcade, Sergey Mavrodi.
Homeland Insecurity Edit
Border Patrol Edit
Because killing/tazing Nerds and Hockey Moms can get you into trouble, the Dude is sent down to the Mexican border where he has to stop stereotypical Mexican dressed Al Queda from hopping the border into the land of the free-balling. Fucking Wannabe Wetbacks.
Al Quedaville Edit
Turns out the entire town is loaded with terrorist bastards. With no back up, the Postal Dude proceeds to liberate the town, with VIOLENCE!
Police Monkey Lab Assault Edit
Pretty Monkey Edit
After getting a call to the Evolusious Cosmetics, the Dude finds that the Ecotologists (with the help of the Postal Dude in an alternate path) have released all the monkeys from their cages. Mad over the whole makeup testing thing, they're attacking and raping any poor bastard they can get their hands on. It's up to the Dude to exterminate these pests
A Rhino, a Monkey, and a Laser Pointer Edit
Journeying to the bowels of the Lab, the Dude finds a Scientist trying to subdue a crazed Rhino by tricking into into bashing it's brains out. He was doing really well until a cat mauled him. With a laser pointer in hand and a helper monkey by his side, it's time to party.
Patrol Mission 2 Edit
Recycle, Reduce, Reuse Edit
And another quasi-free roaming mission where there are people to arrest. This time in a different, blacker part of town.
Terrorists again Edit
And some Vegan Ecotologists are attacking fat people. Time to make them eat lead.
Eco Zealot HQ Assault Edit
It's fun to stay at the S.W.A.T Edit
Having found a map to the hideout of the Ecotologists at the end of the previous mission, Lt. Deutschbagge organizes a raid on the compound to capture Al, the leader of the Ecotologists. Fortunately for the Dude, a spot on the S.W.A.T. has opened up after Yorick (an unseen, unknown gag character) gets face raped by an aids infected monkey.
Police Gay Rodeo Edit
Barebackers hah! Edit
After capturing Al, the Postal Dude finds himself running security at the local gay rodeo because reasons. Still in his S.W.A.T. uniform (again, because reasons), the Postal Dude gets attacked by Ecotologists cause he apparently didn't kill them all in the previous mission.
Meth + Randy + Rhino Edit
Boss fight, the Ecotologist have gotten a Rhino hopped up on Methamphetamines causing it to go crazy. Or it's cause Randy Jones is on top of it. Either way, it's recycled from Police Monkey Lab Assault.
The 'Motorcade' Edit
With some help from the Gay Rodeo pitboss after saving Randy Jones, the Postal Dude gets a job in Mayor Chomo's secret service. Dude's first mission, Escort the Mayor via Segway to the Daveland and kill any terrorist that try to stop him.
Police Daveland Edit
Did somebody say Sex tape? Edit
Seems some dumbass mixed up the tapes at Mayor Chomo's political rally. And then Osama shows up wanting money he's owed. And Randy Jones is apparently a government agent who is here to arrest Mayor Chomo, Osama, and Uncle Dave for corruption. Jen's here too cause why not. The trio of villains run as the Amusement Park erupts into chaos and it's up to the Postal Dude to take them down.
Apocalypse Again Edit
With Mayor Chomo, Osama, and Uncle Dave dead, the Postal Dude and Champ make their escape. Except the Venezuelan Army have appeared to "Liberate" the town with their leader, Hugo Chavez. Do you see where all that good karma got you?