"Fucking done! Enjoy it, you 2 and a half people who'll ever think of playing it."
- Alien (not really)The following is an English walkthrough for the Russian POSTAL 2 addon Штопор ЖжОт! Special thanks to Alien (not really) for translating and writing this walkthrough.
Monday / Понедельник Edit
Introduction (Asylum) Edit
Our protagonist Shtopor (or Corkscrew) wakes up in the asylum, and after trying to remember his name or where he is, realizes he has amnesia. Not only that, he finds himself in an unknown place, and notices that his voice sounds more feminine. After reaching down his pants, he also discovers he has undergone sex change surgery (no breast implants though). Before he is able to make any sense of the situation, he's kicked out of his ward.
Look at the posters EditAfter being kicked out of the asylum, Shtopor finds a city map. The city's called Muhosransk, a typical small russian town.
"Whoa, a map! What is this, Treasure Island? Wait, that sounds familiar... Is that a porn title? Bingo! I've shined my precious in a porn movie!"After that, he decides to leave the asylum and check out some movie posters to see if he remembers anything. The posters are located in Central district near the Police Station.
- There are two ways to get out of the asylum: one is through the main gate that leads straight into the city, and another, secret way. Enter the building you've been kicked out of in the intro, and kick the door next to the stairs to 2nd floor. This passage leads to sewers, which leads to the Prison and its surrounding area, that leads into the city. However, breaking into the prison will sound the alarm, and the police will be onto you, so you might want to think twice before going that route.
- You might want to stick around the asylum a bit before leaving. You can find some random loot lying around like some cash, a slingshot, and a pistol. There's also a humorous therapy session in one of the buildings.
Talk to the stripper Edit
"PSA for detectives-in-training: turns out drawn boobs can cure amnesia!"Hoping to refresh his memories, Shtopor decides to visit a stripper he saw on the poster, Zhenya the Blade, that he met during one of his gigs. He discovers that she "shakes her butt" in the Community Center.
- Be sure to check out dressing room near the entrance to Community Center before visiting the stripper, there is a shotgun, some ammo and a pizza slice. Once inside, in the room to your left will be 2 kevlar vests.
- There is also some cash and grenades in storage room in the back, past the green room Zhenya will be in.
Get some reading Edit
After receiving a blowjob from Zhenya (or killing her), Shtopor decides to get a newspaper to check out some fresh news. To get one, he must go to the Library.
However, just as he was about to leave the Community Center, it is attacked by a terrorist group.Note: the developers claim that killing any terrorists during this event will not count towards your final kill count, thus will not ruin a Jesus run.
After killing enough terrorists, an OMON squad will enter the building and will finish off the remaining terrorists.
Once in the library, you will be asked to pay a fine for a lost book (100 RUB) and get a "Surgery For Dummies" guidebook in return. Whether you should pay it or just kill the librarian, is up to you.
Get a newspaper Edit
After dealing with the library fine, Shtopor decides to read a newspaper. However, the library worker will tell you that they have no fresh newspapers there, since they donate all their unsold issues to public restrooms. Thus Shtopor decides to ask a local publisher for a fresh newspaper. That means visiting the local newspaper's editorial office.
Yet again, the price is 100 RUB. Or free if you sneak into a room to your left after asking the guard, and take one in the restroom.
"A powerful orgasm can be inherited!" - Pravda Matka
Talk to the surgeon Edit
Apparently, Shtopor's case isn't as unique as he thought. After reading about another surgery fraud in the newspaper, he decides to question this surgeon on the matter of cutting his member off and selling it on the black market. The surgeon is in jail thus Shtopor must infiltrate the local prison to get into contact with him. There are two ways into the prison. Either go through the front gate (which is now unlocked) or through a secret passageway in the sewers.
When Shtopor enters the prison, the guards will immediately attack him. Upon entering the inner prison the errand can be completed either by talking to the surgeon in his cell (which ends with Shtopor being knocked out by the guards and taken to the Warden) or by visiting the Warden, who'll mention an alleged surgical syndicate connected to Al-Qaeda. Alternatively, you can enter via the sewer passageway, climb the ladder, hug the wall to your left, follow it, and after making 2 turns talk to the surgeon in his cell from the outside, without entering the prison itself and getting knocked out. Additionally, his cellmate will yell out your home address, warning that his friends will be waiting near Shtopor's house to beat him up after flooding the internet with his porn images.
Go Home! Edit
After talking to the Warden, Shtopor is given his home address. Tired, he goes home only to find "Bastardz" or "Meme Kidz" protesting. At this point, you can kill them or just go home.
Later that night, after reciting everything he learned for the day, Shtopor goes to sleep.
Tuesday / Вторник Edit
Visit the vendors Edit
After waking up from his first night as a transgendered person, Shtopor, with mixed feelings of wanting a "fresh coffee and a man" and expressing frustration at not being able to "pee correctly", decides to check local porn businesses, such as an Oriental Medicine Center, a porn studio called "Jolly Organ" and plastic surgery agency "V.P.I.".
Before going to Kumarniki area, be sure to check our the house on the right with a police car parked nearby. In there you'll find 3 dancing female cops, some ammo and loads of Molotovs and a Napalm launcher.
Note: despite the map highlighting all 3 places you'll need to visit, you need to do it in the order:
V.P.I. -> Jolly Organ -> Oriental Medicine Center
Otherwise the scripts won't work.
"My organ isn't just jolly, it's freaking magical! WHAM! - and it's gone!"
This errand is a clusterfuck in itself, because in order to complete it, you need to talk to the director of the agency. But in order to find his office, you need to ask secretaries around the building for directions, since scripts won't work until you ask them in a correct order. You might get lost easily (in case you don't speak Russian at all, that's more than likely), so here's the order:
- the first one, after you enter the building, sends you to Room 4 on 2nd floor
- after Room 4 you'll be sent to Room 6
- in Room 6 secretary will send you to Room 3 on 1st floor
- from there, you'll be sent to Room 1
- in Room 1, you'll be told to go to 2nd room to your left on 2nd floor (Room 5)
- and finally, in Room 5 secretary will send you to Room 1 on 1st floor
After talking to the director, you'll be sent to "Jolly Organ" pornographic studio.
BIG-ASS DISCLAIMER: After running through this errand several times, it turned out that the order is pure RNG. Fortunately, the doors unlock depending on who you need to see next. If all else fails, you can just kill everyone.
"You might want to check out that Oriental Medicine Center. Worst case scenario - they'll just stick a leech between your legs. Some say it gets bigger as it fills with blood!"
Jolly Organ Edit
The entrance to Jolly Organ is located behind the abandoned building on the opposite side of the road to V.P.I. Once there, simply navigate to the owner's office (after turning right at the end of the corridor, enter the right door.) The owner will advise you to check out the Oriental Medicine Center.
On your way out, police will start an anti-porn piracy raid and you'll be apprehended as a suspect.
Once at the police station, you'll be forced to partake in a suspect identification procedure in a room with a bunch of cardboard cut-outs. To complete it, listen to the voice behind the glass (or just follow these steps, these proven to be persistent):
- Step on the white circle first
- After the voice shuts up, step into yellow circle
- After the dialogue of a scrawny nerd with a police officer, step into the blue circle and jump
- After a police officer briefly flirts with the stripper, you're free to go.
- Be sure to check out police armory to pick up most of your stuff taken before the procedure.
Oriental Medicine Center Edit
Once there, just enter the door to your left on 1st floor. There you'll meet a slightly oriental-looking man that speaks an awful lot like Weird Al, who promises to stitch back your "scepter of vanity", also telling you who might have nabbed your "celestial pillar". Turns out, it was members of the Erectus cult, who worship their phallic god.
Deal with cultists Edit
All you have do is to enter the building, and a cutscene will play.
"If stores would sell sausages the size of your god's tool, the price tag would say "Peanuts"!"From now on the Erectus followers are your enemies as well! Expect heavy resistance from them on your way out.
Talk to the politician Edit
After fiddling around in cult leader's computer, Shtopor finds an address of a local politician, Fyodor Ivanovitch Zhirnomord, who is a huge supporter and a financial sponsor to this cult. He resides in the central office of his "Agrarian Republican Social Education" party.
He will inform you that his party tries to purge all sources of public indecency in the city, but a local mansion in the area belongs to the "Bastardz", and he asks you to gather some compromising material on them.
NOTE: Alternatively, you can just kill the politician and go home, skipping next 2 errands.
Сollect compromising materials Edit
Since the mansion is not far away from A.R.S.E.'s central office, just walk inside and collect 5 posters hanging on the walls. However, since the Bastardz hate Shtopor, be ready to fight.
- 2 posters are on 1st floor.
- 2 more are in the basement.
- 1 in the attic\bar.
Once you collect all 5 posters, return to the politician.
Return to the politician Edit
After returning to A.R.S.E.'s office and giving Zhirnomord the posters, he'll simply notify you that his party isn't involved in organ trading, sending you home.
Go Home! Edit
After a bunch of internal struggles with his feminine self, Shtopor goes to sleep.
Wednesday / Среда Edit
Talk to the bandit Edit
After waking up with a plunger in his crotch, a "gift" from his female half, Shtopor decides to talk to a local criminal, Mitya the Mongolian, that currently hides in a Garage.
Once asked if he knows anything that could help Shtopor's case, Mitya says that he recently overheard local drug dealers boasting about being able to smuggle goods through Customs both ways, making insane cash in the process. He suggests asking drug dealers themselves for more input, as they currently reside in a Warehouse in Industrial area.
Talk to drug dealers Edit
"...and so we fed half a ton of heroin to the elephant. What could've possibly gone wrong?"After approaching the warehouse, Shtopor is let inside to talk to the boss. The boss tells him that he indeed saw something resembling a penis at Customs, but in order to get any item from the customs workers, one would need a set of documents:
- A photo of said item
- 5 witness signatures to confirm the ownership of said item
- A local district attorney's signature to solidify the ownership
However, after telling Shtopor about customs, the boss asks him for a favor. After smuggling a large amount of heroin inside elephant's stomach through the border, his men are having trouble getting it out. In order to "speed up the natural process" of getting the load out of said elephant, Shtopor is asked to use an enema to help the elephant "take a load".
As soon as he's finished, the warehouse is attacked by a group of animal rights activists, Children of Kindness. They proceed to attack everyone in the warehouse, including Shtopor, letting the elephant free.
Get a photo of your member Edit
In order to get a photo of his "precious", Shtopor must visit his last place of employment, the Porn Studio. Luckily, it's in the same area as drug dealers' warehouse.
"-Ah, Mr. Tusk, long time no see!"
"-To be honest, I'm here on my own today, without the tusk."
"-What do you mean? Dick is not a keychain, you can't just forget it in other pants."
You will need to speak with the director. He will tell you that he indeed has some photos of Shtopor's manhood left in his catalog, but only after a BDSM-style photo shoot, as a last job for him. The gimp suit will be in the green room, 2nd room after director's office. After you put it on, proceed to the studio, the door's facing the green room.
After the photo shoot, pick up a photo of your dick from photographer's table and your clothes in the dressing room before leaving.
Get 5 signatures Edit
This one is pretty self-explanatory, just ask 5 bystanders to place their signatures under the photo of your dick. You can even do it without leaving the Industrial area.
Get district attorney's signature Edit
The last errand before finally reuniting with our lost part - get the district attorney's signature. He can be found in "Filthy Hans" nightclub, on 2nd floor. However, the bouncer decides to mock Sthopor a bit. He refuses to let Shtopor through before he shows his dancing skills.
After another cutscene you'll be allowed to meet the attorney. After a failed flirt attempt from his side and a flatulence joke, he agrees to sign the photo. Just hand it over to him.
Pick up the "D" Edit
After you've completed all previous errands and collected all necessary documents, you can visit the customs office at the Airport to pick up your manhood.
Once in the airport, just walk past the metal detector and talk to the chief of security. After giving him all required papers, you will receive your "property" back. Admit it, not every day can you see photo of a dick signed by a district attorney and 5 random people.
Get your dick to the Oriental Medicine Center Edit
After a teary reunion with his lost part, Shtopor decides to stich his old friend back, and goes to the Oriental Medicine Center to get some help. However, as he approached the slightly-oriental looking man, he turned out to be no other than FBI's most wanted: Osama Bin Laden. He drugs Shtopor and performs surgery on him. He tells Shtopor that he's been collecting various organs from various people all over the world to be reborn as a brand new person (don't even ask). He stitches his own dick on Shtopor, and keeps Shtopor's large hose for himself.
Thursday / Четверг Edit
Kill Bin Laden Edit
After finally waking up with a pleasured load between his legs and getting rid of his female personality, Shtopor decides to kill Bin Laden for stealing his dong in the first place, and to make sure he'll be known as the only dick who's allowed to cause chaos in Muhosransk. To get to him, Shtopor must once again get to the Oriental Medicine Center.
After reading the newspaper, it appears that the entire town has gone insane. Osama has promised a FIVE BILLION DOLLAR reward for various body parts causing the citizens of Muhosransk to POSTAL.
NOTE: This day is also the only one where you'll be allowed to urinate, so be sure to use this ability for your benefit.
After making it to the Center, you'll encounter heavy resistance from drug dealers who were apparently working for Osama, and several islamists. You might also anger local OMON while fighting them, so be careful.
After dispatching every enemy is Center's surrounding area, enter the Center and get some ammo and armor on 1st floor before getting upstairs and facing Osama himself.
Now simply watch the cutscene and enjoy, you've completed this wretched game!
"I think I made it in local criminal news!"